patience & persistence
Oh today. My eyes are dry from crying, but my heart feels lighter. I am having so many blocks cleared lately, and while I am still confused throughout a large percentage of my day, I am proud of myself for continuing to show up and do the work.
Today we spread my father's ashes at the property where I grew up. When I arrived, the feelings I felt included loss, embarrassment, anger, and then embarrassment for being embarrassed. Then people started showing up, and I started to feel nervous and impatient. Then we began remembering things about him, and telling stories, and I realized I could do this. I walked into the burned home when I didn't want to. I went upstairs and saw all the junk even though I didn't want to deal with it. I hugged some of his friends that I knew were enablers - and these small acts of bravery led me to love. Love for my father, love for his friends, love for his final peace. He gets to be the truest, wisest, and painless being he was meant to be now. He never gave up on the lessons he chose to learn while he was here, and now he doesn't have to fight anymore.
I will keep showing up in my own simple ways. I might not have an addiction, but I do have my struggles. Right now I am working on the stories I tell myself about not being good at sales, stories I tell myself about being a "bad" friend, and finally, I am listening to myself so I can stand up for myself. I don't want to apologize when I shouldn't apologize anymore. I don't want to give up too soon because things didn't go the way I wanted them to go the first time. I want to patiently persist, and keep chipping away at my insecurities small action by small action.
Some simple things I realized while In Phoenix this week:
I love nature. Whether it is a cactus flower in the desert, an aspen in my backyard, or a river on a road trip - I feel recharged and fascinated when I am surrounded by nature.
I don't want this blog to be like other blogs and I don't want my life to be like other's lives. I want to be unique, and I know from experience the fears that come with that. BUT since I have faced them before, they don't seem as scary now.
I unapologetically love my little family. I am happiest when I am with them, and I like who I am most when I am with them. They are my rock, and it makes some of the other stuff feel less scary.
I got my travel bug back, but this time I am taking a different approach. We will see how it goes, but as always, I aim to keep it [ s i m p l e ]. There is so much to see here, and I think after taking a step back after Mexico, I feel recharged and ready to put myself out there again.
Maybe we are never on the wrong path - maybe we just take the scenic route, and then pop back onto the interstate when we are ready. I think I am getting ready. But this time we will keep it simple.
Simple Things to note:
- My father's property looked beautiful, and all the work we put in when we moved there in 3rd grade has paid off. We dug up every yucca plant, put miracle grow and drip lines in the cold soil to help the baby trees grow, and tried to remove as many small cacti as possible. A garden of Eden it is not, but it was serene and beautiful today as the wind blew the tall grass in waves across the land.
- Chris. He never makes me feel like I am handling my father's death in an incorrect fashion, he came back up to the cabin to pick up his ashes, and he holds me when I am vulnerable.
- Laughter. We found it even as we were holding the ashes.
- This cabin. There is nothing like the feeling of coming back to a home you love.
- This simple, little blog.
When in doubt, keep it simple.